Current mood:	jubilant
Current music:	Enya - "May It Be"

Mixed blessings

I submitted 'The Ashes of Autumn' to Aberrant Dreams many months ago, and had pretty much given up hope of hearing back from them. So imagine my surprise when I found an email in my inbox from Sara King, the fiction editor of the 'zine. 

Had Ashes finally been accepted? Had I finally found the poor thing a home? In short, no. But it is easily the best rejection I've ever had. 

Here it is in its entirety: 

Hi James,

Thank you for submitting THE ASHES OF AUTUMN to Aberrant Dreams, but I'm
afraid we're going to pass. However, you're a very strong writer and I
believe you've got the potential to do amazing things, which is why I'm
taking the time to give you a more in-depth critique than I normally
give--I think you've reached the point in your career where you can digest
constructive comments.

So here goes: While your storytelling carried me through the entire 33
pages, when I reached the end, I didn't feel as if the story is quite
there yet. There were certain points that felt rushed, whereas others
felt drawn out. For instance, I felt that the scene in which Jerek frees
the soulsinger could have been much more powerful if drawn out a bit more,
showing us that Jerek really was afraid of him before untying him.
Afterwards, the soulsinger mentioned that Jerek freed him while he was
afraid, but I felt more like the story told me Jerek was afraid, instead
of showed me.

The scenes I felt dragged on too long were mostly the prolonged fighting
scenes in the church. Also, I noticed that the story has a tendency to
state things twice, which is sometimes useful in novels, but with
wordcount being so important to a short story, redundancy is usually its
death. I think if you cut back by about 1/3-1/4, this story would be much
likelier to sell.

I went through the first page of your manuscript and offered a few
suggestions on where to cut (highlighted.) I liked your hook very much,
by the way. You'll notice I left the first paragraph alone :)

Aside from the redundancies, I would have liked to feel more emotion from
the protagonist overall, both in action and dialogue. A few key points
for this would be when his horse got killed (was it his favorite horse?
Had it been his companion throughout the war?), when the celebrant
confronts him (has he dealt with zealots in the past? Did they get people
killed?), when the first wave of demons attacks (what did his body feel
like? Did he have butterflies or did he feel like puking himself?), when
he sees the first defender die (does he feel responsible?), and when he
rescues the soulsinger (does it go through his head that the man could be
controlling the demons? That he IS a demon?).

But again, your professional storytelling was impressive. Thanks again
for submitting THE ASHES OF AUTUMN to Aberrant Dreams and I truly hope you
submit your work to us again soon.

Sara King
Fiction Editor, Aberrant Dreams

Any disappointment I felt at the story being knocked back for the fourth time was erased by Sara's response. The fact that she took the time to offer some serious advice is great, but what really gave me a boost was the fact that she thinks I'm a strong writer who can achieve good things. Interestingly, Howard at Black Gate said almost exactly the same thing. This is really encouraging; to have two people who clearly know the business give praise like this is a massive boost (and a hefty massage to the ego). Sara also included a file of the story with some highlighted passages. Not only can I learn from this, but I also got my story back! (The original file was lost when my pc died a few months back).

The downside is that it makes the voice in my head say, "See? I told you that you can do it. Now, stop screwing about and do some friggin' writing."

Yes Sir. Right away.